Infertility: “When” becomes “If”

My struggle with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss has turned most of my “whens” into “ifs”. “When” is for things we can plan for. Infertility reminds you that you can’t plan. It takes joy and surprise away from you, and leaves you begging on your knees for things you thought you were somehow entitled to. What a slap in the face infertility is.

Finding out I’m pregnant will never again come with a giddy type of excitement. A positive pregnancy test comes with fear, anxiety, and stress. After 6 consecutive losses, it’s hard to imagine what it might be like for things to work out for me. I no longer have thoughts of “when baby is born” but instead replaced with “if baby is born”.. “if I made it to 12 weeks..” , “if we get to share our news”, “if we get to plan a nursery”... “if” “if” “if”.

From the moment I lost my first pregnancy, my whens were stolen and replaced with ifs.

If there is one thing I wish those struggling with RPL could get back, it’s the carefree and hopeful plans of “when”.