Childless NOT by choice

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes …

I have to admit, walking through infertility sure makes you evaluate every part of your life. I often wonder if people who came about their kids so effortlessly really desired to have children, or if it was just part of the order of operations we’re told to follow in order to have a full and successful life. I have chatted with a handful of couples over the years who are childless by choice, and they experience tons of judgement for not wanting kids. “Why wouldn’t you want kids?!?”, as if their choice somehow impacts other couples and the world in general. No one seems to ask couples why they DO want kids, though. I would bet that some couldn’t give an appropriate answer to that question.

I am not saying people don’t love or desire their children. But I am saying that someone in my particular profession, sees a lot of kids and a lot of parents. I have to remind myself that there really are no prerequisites for having children. Although I certainly think there should be.

I often look at other human beings and just wonder if they really understand how much of a miracle they are. I wonder if the fertile parents look at their kids and fully understand how many things had to happen and go right in order for them to be here. Going through infertility and loss makes you wish so badly that you had the things that lots of parents complain about. Things that lots of parents take for granted. Infertility and loss makes you have conversations with your partner that I honestly think most couples should have before they have children. It makes you deeply evaluate your wants and desires. It forces you to talk about your future in different ways than you ever thought you’d have to. Although I wish we never experienced any of this, I will always be grateful for the strength and reassurance that has grown through the grief.

Have you ever heard the term DINKs?

Double Income, No Kids. Being childless by choice makes this a fun title. Being childless NOT by choice, makes this a total gut punch.

I wish these were one-off experiences, but I have been in many social situations both personal and professional, where my lack of children was brought into the conversation.

I’ve been called “career focussed”, and a DINK many times. In these situations, I have to pause and really ask myself - is this time to trauma dump on a friend or acquaintance - or do I just laugh it off, and act like it’s the best thing ever. Majority of the time, someone struggling with infertility is going to go with the latter. This is a coping mechanism. If you don’t laugh, you will likely cry. Ask anyone going through infertility treatment if they are just rolling around in extra cash? Being DINKs is the only thing that made fertility treatment even remotely affordable and accessible to us. Alberta is the only province in Canada with ZERO coverage for any kind of fertility assistance or treatment. We have spent upwards of 40 thousand dollars on fertility treatment in the last 5 years. I have had so many appointments, tests, procedures and surgeries that it has been almost impossible to be “career focussed”. My career has been a distraction on hard days, but never a focus.

Infertility consumes every single facet of your life. Every. Single. One.

Infertility forces you to make tons of tough choices. But being childless will never be our choice.